Confessions

I think i have a confession to make. I kept thinking if doing this was the right thing to do, but hey, i'm doing it anyway.

So once upon a time, you called me out of a sudden and for no reason just asked if i was fine. Hell yeah i was doing fine right until you called me.

"I was with my friends and then i thought of you."

Oh really, I am grateful for that. But do you even hear yourself? Do you even think of what to say to me when you call? Or for most of the part, did you even think if it was right to call me after soooo long?
Well, let me tell you what I wished I could have turn back time and say this to you.

Yes, why do you even call me. And you don't have the right to know how well i'm doing. Obviously I'm still living alive, and for the record, I AM HAPPY! I am jubilant and never felt better. But thanks to you, I realize how other's sympathy shouldn't be taken so lightly. And I know darn well even after that, that taking advantage of people and "promises" are so cliche amongst men. I'm sorry if i'm being too generalized but after much experiences, i've got to say what's right in my eyes. for days, weeks, months you never even explain your sudden mia and you expect me to pick up your call? i intentionally ignored your call for the first time, well other than having my hoarse voice and was about to go to bed, but i pretended that i was DREAMING that it was you.

i really wonder how you tell her about your life, about what you wished you didn't need to tell other girls. i should have just stood up on my feet and left on that day. but no! i stayed! and yes, even though you told me that i could go, but NO! i gave you my shoulder to cry, tried my best to endure all the pain for what seems like forever and even wasting my saliva to promise you that everything's gonna be fine.

thanks for making me feel like i am an idiot again and again. thanks for wasting my time. thanks for doing so much that i can barely remember anything except for crying and wasting my tears every single day. well at least, i'm not anymore. oh, and for the record also, i even recorded what i wanted to say to you if you ever want to talk to me about it. but guess i was wrong again, so i deleted it, and there it goes in my trash.

also, just wanna let you know, i was really happy when i know someone i love loves Allah. who never fail to skip his prayers. who never fail to not give up, who never put anyone or anything first other than Allah and whats more, who changed for the better. you were all vulgarities and you said that it was you and i have to accept it. but then as weeks past, you've changed. i barely hear it from your mouth. but what i remember vividly was your prayers which i always love love love to hear. your doa and you recitation. it never fails to put a smile on my face and i tried to follow your recitation. just as you know, you brought me closer to HIM and i thank Allah for that. despite all the nonsense you gave me, i still appreciate what you eventually made me become.

whatever it is, i'm done with what i want to say.