You heard her story, you see her countenance, but you don't know the inner truth. Her views, her say, she limits it all 'cos there's always secrets to life.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Never Seem To Be Enough

if only i could give you what you deserve.
if only i could put in enough just to prove it to you.
if only you could tell me it was all wort it.

tell me i've done enough.
tell me i've worked hard.
tell me that you're proud of me.

cos that's all i need.
that's all i need to hear from you.
that's all it matters
as long as i know you knew.

Saturday, March 16, 2013


what did we do to deserve all of this? is it all just luck? whether you're deaf or hearing, tall or short or if you can create art, so much of what defines us is all dumb luck. i want to do more with my dumb luck and i don't know how. i mean obviously it's also because of fate. because of what that has already been written for us. but what can we exactly do to accommodate all of this?

Thursday, March 14, 2013

How Much More?

No matter how well you do, that number just won't go up. Too bad for doing so so so badly during 2.1.

Okay. I'm sorry. I feel like I should rant and i wish i could just call someone i know and just share them this news.

I've just got my results, or maybe already gotten it like an hour ago through the SMS service. Took a few seconds for me to actually dare myself to look at the SMS. ANd when I did, I just couldn't stop smiling and thanking Allah for everything. Yes, I did pretty well, Alhamdullilah. Got 2 B, 2 A and a distinction. Who wouldn't be happy if they got a distinction for their exam! Well my expectations are not that high, i mean not even for ANY exams. But i'm proud of myself for working darn hard on this. I really want to pull up my GPA because I FAILED my accounting exam last sem which was really really disgraceful, upsetting, demoralizing and all the pessimistic words that you can think of.

The first day when I step into TP, I told myself that I need at least a 3.5. But look at where i've gotten now.

Oh wait, I haven't mention that the SMS didn't state neither the CGPA/ GPA. So i didn't know how much it actually increases it. Got home, checked my GPA and it was OMG! Fantastic. From 2.52 to 3.60. I was so jubilant when i saw that!

BUT! Then my eyes were hesitating to see the CGPA. But it got there somehow. Very disappointingly, it doesn't pull up that much. It's still below 3.0. Why is this so? I'm suppose to be celebrating my day with a good result and I've always wanted to get several As. I've got it, but I'M STILL FRUSTRATED for the fact that the CGPA is still very low!

Urgh! I've no idea how much a supp paper can bring down your GPA that much and that it is super tedious to bring it up again no matter how well you do. Why why why why why? 

I really really wish i could just tell my mum about this, but she don't understand how the current education system's like. Neither my parents know. Obviously i can share it with Firdaus, but i really don't think he understands that much.  I want to cry out so badly. I want to just say everything to someone, a friend? My mum? My dad? Or even my sister?

The saddest thing is that my parents never ask me about school, they never seem to be concerned about my results. So what if I just tell them my results, what will they do? What will they really do? I really don't know how much I should put in to show them that I am trying really really hard to make them happy. How much more effort should I put in? How much more should I prove them? How much more should I give in so that I won't feel demoralized being around with my friends who are what it seems like the smart ass in school?

Monday, March 11, 2013

How Amazing Food Can Be

I've decided to share my love for cooking/ baking here. I've been doing lots and lots of cooking/baking cos:
1) i'm just bored like that
2) i really want to improve my skills
3) i want to cook for my family
4) as well practicing now for my future family so that i can feed them well
5) i want to go to ICI
6) and of cos make people drool with the pictures i post. hehe.

So here it is:
 Are you drooling yet? Well, maybe I should tell you what they are especially if you haven't seen them in my FB yet.
(from left to right)

1. Red Velvet Cupcake
2. Churros
3. Pan Fried Fish (sides: rice w/ tomato concasse and battonet carrots)
4. Baked Chicken on Mashed Potato with Spinach
5. Fried Oreo
6. Carrot Soup
7. Caramelized carrots and green apple with cinnamon
8. Bruschetta filling
9. Hearty dish; Baked Macaroni topped with sliced of cheese
10. Gingerbread Man Cookies
11. Keema
12. Fried Macaroni
13. Roasted Chicken
14. Lemon Meringue Pie
15. Potato Chicken Torte
16. Andes Brownie


I think i have a confession to make. I kept thinking if doing this was the right thing to do, but hey, i'm doing it anyway.

So once upon a time, you called me out of a sudden and for no reason just asked if i was fine. Hell yeah i was doing fine right until you called me.
"I was with my friends and then i thought of you."
Oh really, I am grateful for that. But do you even hear yourself? Do you even think of what to say to me when you call? Or for most of the part, did you even think if it was right to call me after soooo long?
Well, let me tell you what I wished I could have turn back time and say this to you.

Yes, why do you even call me. And you don't have the right to know how well i'm doing. Obviously I'm still living alive, and for the record, I AM HAPPY! I am jubilant and never felt better. But thanks to you, I realize how other's sympathy shouldn't be taken so lightly. And I know darn well even after that, that taking advantage of people and "promises" are so cliche amongst men. I'm sorry if i'm being too generalized but after much experiences, i've got to say what's right in my eyes. for days, weeks, months you never even explain your sudden mia and you expect me to pick up your call? i intentionally ignored your call for the first time, well other than having my hoarse voice and was about to go to bed, but i pretended that i was DREAMING that it was you.

i really wonder how you tell her about your life, about what you wished you didn't need to tell other girls. i should have just stood up on my feet and left on that day. but no! i stayed! and yes, even though you told me that i could go, but NO! i gave you my shoulder to cry, tried my best to endure all the pain for what seems like forever and even wasting my saliva to promise you that everything's gonna be fine.

thanks for making me feel like i am an idiot again and again. thanks for wasting my time. thanks for doing so much that i can barely remember anything except for crying and wasting my tears every single day. well at least, i'm not anymore. oh, and for the record also, i even recorded what i wanted to say to you if you ever want to talk to me about it. but guess i was wrong again, so i deleted it, and there it goes in my trash.

also, just wanna let you know, i was really happy when i know someone i love loves Allah. who never fail to skip his prayers. who never fail to not give up, who never put anyone or anything first other than Allah and whats more, who changed for the better. you were all vulgarities and you said that it was you and i have to accept it. but then as weeks past, you've changed. i barely hear it from your mouth. but what i remember vividly was your prayers which i always love love love to hear. your doa and you recitation. it never fails to put a smile on my face and i tried to follow your recitation. just as you know, you brought me closer to HIM and i thank Allah for that. despite all the nonsense you gave me, i still appreciate what you eventually made me become.

whatever it is, i'm done with what i want to say.