Not Changing

Sometimes I just wish someone is there to hear me. Someone to really hear me out whenever my panic strikes at night and that someone can comfort me in the middle of the night while I'm in tears. I never want to trouble anybody but I just feel that there is a need for me to let go my emotions to someone. I also wished that Camel is able to approach me with my sudden cries, but I know she won't. I really miss her. Maybe I'm missing my friends so much. Maybe I've lost them. Maybe they are never coming back. I can never tell whether they are real friends or not. I can't just say out exactly what the problems are, but I just want a listening ear, an active one not the passive.

Honestly, I hate the fact that I am freakingly emotional and I just can't stop it. And I hate the fact that I like to jump to conclusion like A LOT(like right now)!!!! Other people are coming to me to seek help but why am I afraid to approach them when I'm facing difficulty?? Well the answer is simply because I know I can calm my heart just by praying to Allah. That's the easiest way out but it really takes time to heal.

I have nothing else to say but just this. I never wanted to cry in relationships any more cos relationships aren't suppose to make you tear. They are suppose to bring you joy and laughter to your burden that you are already carrying in life. So I am controlling, controlling really hard cos I know the tears aren't worth it.

I'm dying here with my sore arm. I feel like chopping off my right arm. If tomorrow the pain doesn't subside I'm going to visit the doc. Or maybe I shouldn't. Waste of time and $$$.

P.S I'm so excited for fasting month to come. Counting the days: 5